I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You Might Also Like
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.