I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board