@iwearaonesie: [on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*

@XplodingUnicorn: If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

@squirrel74wkgn: [outside of bank] Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok! Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready! Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I'm gonna need a minute.

@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU