I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet