@Lisa_Laughs_: I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.
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@Cravin4: Wife text from work on Easter. "Happy Easter" quick reply as joke "I'm going to grind on you so hard" opens text.Was group family text.truth
@MatCro: [doctor's] INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc? DR: Your tests are all clear IM: Is that good? DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I'm not sure
@drankturpentine: ME [about to be mauled to death by bear]: who’s a good boy
@Ygrene: [first date] DATE: so you love dogs? ME: yes, I relate to them very much DATE: aww that's swee- [a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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