I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*