@kirkfox: I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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@shutupmikeginn: friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
@Underchilde: I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.