I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.