I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.