I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*