I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
we’re gonna need another temp
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
plant them where lol
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf