@NikatNiteNite: I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@ndiquote: interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ? me : ...so I can pay my electricity bills
@causticbob: Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
@SirEviscerate: *dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying...