@NikatNiteNite: I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@TheAlexNevil: I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
@pakalupapito: sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation