Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace