I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.