I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.