I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Body by sandwich.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Strangers have the best candy.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.