I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
bury ourselves
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod