@ruslg1: I don't date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.
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@KalvinMacleod: I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse's head.
@Terdoh: Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
@MichaelTrying: The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you're a sniper Me [opening gun case]: affirmative Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it