my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.