I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Ironic
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“i am a sweet baby”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.