Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.