I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Finally, a door that understands me
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*