The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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Whatcha doing?! 馃槒馃ぃ馃惗
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can鈥檛 name 10 jesuses
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you鈥檙e going to rob a bank make sure it鈥檚 not the one you normally use.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I still remember the day I asked my mom 鈥渨hy did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!