I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge