I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.