@SavoirFail: I don't do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
@shutupmikeginn: my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.
@saucy_peaches: My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...