I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.