@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.

@shutupmikeginn: my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.

@saucy_peaches: My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...

@withanewname: Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship