I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.