I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.