I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.