I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.