I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
You Might Also Like
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
that’s really how it is
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze