I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Europe. Made in Germany.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
This hospital has everything
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection