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@GianDoh: I don't eat some foods.
@MrsGoose69: Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."
@ryanchris: The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
@DaddyJew: Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn't mean it's not good
Employer: there's a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
@trojansauce: [me as a gynaecologist]
*pronouncing womb like it rhymes with bomb*
@thetits: Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.