I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”