I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
this post was so formative to me
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.