I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics