i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
is this meant to deter me
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Care for your back
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I put the p in pants.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really