@ninatreemonkey: I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders
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@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
@LuvPug: I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.