I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”