I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You Might Also Like
based al yankovic
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing