Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.