@Playing_Dad: I don't ever use my blinker. It's nobody's business where I'm going.
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@david8hughes: Her: I like smart guys Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
@unravelingfire: Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
@foxnerdrn: Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?