I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You Might Also Like
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.