@Playing_Dad: I don't ever use my blinker. It's nobody's business where I'm going.
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@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@WilliamAder: Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
@lisaOoOo: I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.