I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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Choose your fighter
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
smartest karate player in the world
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this