Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
yea so i messed up lol
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”