@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid me: ok wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service me: yeah lets do this again sometime
@girl_a_whirl: You know you're a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you. Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
@Mom_Overboard: Arranged my own kidnapping. Found out after the fact that there's no actual napping involved. I'm awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.