@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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@Brampersandon_: ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
@TheSchnizzy: Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume
@legendofchelda: Having a crush is weird bc one minute you're a normal person and then out of nowhere you're like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie