@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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@RidiculousSheri: I have two boyfriends! Well, I'm dating two men Okay. Ben and I are just friends Same with Jerry Fine. I have ice cream. But it's love.
@ComedyAndTruth: Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
@internetluke: [Seahawks locker room] Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score! Wilson: well put! Well put!
@Bandersnaaatch: Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn't that right, Mistake?