@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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@Awk0Tacoo: I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
@rsynder336x2: Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
@BuckyIsotope: *doctor looks up* I'm afraid you have forgetting about 80's bands disease "Oh god what's The Cure?" *doctor sighs* It's worse than I thought
@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later] No