I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]