I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.