i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
That’s easy for you to say
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.