i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
5 ways to appear taller
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
new record!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that