I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
You Might Also Like
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.