[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.