I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.