I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.