I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief