I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!