My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*